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THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A ROMANCE AUTHOR

4/15/2022

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Years ago, I ran onto a wonderful blog posted by Author Simon P. Clark, entitled Eleven Things Never to Say to an Author, dated May 28, 2013 [and, unfortunately, no longer posted online.] His website is: https://www.simonpclark.com/ .

Clark's premise is so true, and so funny, that I wanted to share. I modified his eleven points to fit Romance Writers and added a few "never say" statements of my own and thoughts from my friends at Romance Books 4 Us.
​
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1."You write romance novels? Wow! I wish I could do that."

Response
: 
"You really don't. It's hard work, and you have to spend hours at a hot computer in your underwear coming up with new and clichéless ways of describing an accelerated heart beat, sweat, and how put to tab A into slot B. You have to experiment. You have to...
​                                   Why are you leaving?"

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2. "Writing a romance novel sounds like fun. I think I'll take a few weeks off and write one."

Response: "Your profession sounds interesting too. Maybe I'll take a summer school course and become a brain surgeon just like you."

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3. "If you write novels, why are you still working?"

Response: “What?  !!@#$ "

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4. "You write romance novels now? Wow. What does it feel like not having to go to work every day?"

Response:
"Like going to work every...and every night...and on weekends, but without any vacation, overtime pay, or sick leave."


5. "I have a great idea for a book..."
Response: "Good. Write it, come back in ten years, and we’ll talk."

6. Variations On A Theme #1
● "Your books was so good. I'll bet you could even write a real book."
● "Oh, I get it. You're going to write a romance novels now, and then later you'll write a real book."
● "Is writing this stuff going to interfere with your real book?"
● "Now that you're writing smut, are you ever going to finish your real book?"
● "You're a writer? Cool! Romance novels? Oh, that's too bad."


Response: "Yeah, just those pesky romance novels. It's a good thing they don't require some of the most creative, discerning, demanding, open minded readers around, eh? Aha ha, ha. Ha."

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7. Variations On A Theme #2
● "I don't read bodice rippers."
● "I don't care for reading porn, but I enjoy your books."
● "Do you practice all those love scenes yourself?" Chuckle, chuckle.

● "I read a romance novel the other day. How can people read such trash?

Response: "You mean you can read? Well, that's a start. Why are you ogling my cover and sweating?"

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8. Variations On A Theme #3
● "You wrote a romance novel? That's wonderful. When will it be published?"

Response: "That all depends on whether or not I can sell it. First I have to find an agent. Then the agent has to send it to publishers and convince one of them to buy it. Then there's the contract. After that it takes a year to get into rewrites and editing. After that... Well, maybe around 2030. Can you wait that long?" [Also an answer to question #3]

● "You wrote a romance novel? That's wonderful. Send me a copy when it's published."

Response: "Yeah, right. Are you kidding, you A-hole? You not only expect me to give you a copy, but to pay postage on top of that. Why don't you sacrifice one cup of Starbucks and buy a copy?"

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● "You wrote this?"

Response: "Nooo, I'm just wasting time sitting in Barns and Noble signing someone else's book so they don't have to be here. What? Don't I look like I could write a book?"

9. "Who's Your Agent? Can you recommend me?"
Response: "Who's your psychiatrist?"

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​​11. "Aren't Romance Novels dying out?"

Response: "Something's going to be dying in about four seconds, and I guarantee you it won't be romance novels."

12. "So How Much Money Do You Make Writing Romance Novels? It can't be very much."
Response: "Here's a fun new rule. It's called Don't Ask Authors Things You Wouldn't Ask Other intelligent Adults."

13. "Will You Put Me In Your Next Book?"
Response: "Don't tempt me. I might. I might not. Do something interesting and let's see. Why don't you start by stripping down in public?"

14. "I Hate Reading."
Response: "You say 'hate', I hear 'hit me.' I swear, it's so strange..."

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15. “You could be the next Stephen King.”

Response: "I think that name is already taken. Besides, he's a guy, and I'm a size 2X female. I don't think his pants would fit."

JUST SAYIN
If you are an author, I'm sure you have a collection of things people have said to you that make you want to strangle them, or force feed them a book. It makes you wonder what people really think about writers and publishing. For sure, they have no clue about what if takes to write any book, even a bad one. 
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    Author R. Ann Siracusa

    Novelist, retired architect and urban planner, world traveler, quilter, owl collector, devoted wife-mother-grandmother, great-grandmother, and, according to some, wild-assed liberal.

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