If you’re old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. And if you do, you probably won’t find your way back.
Today is my 78th birthday. I don’t know if I’m proud I made it through 77 years or sad I made it through 77 years and am now I’m old as dirt. When the hell did this happen?
When people say things like, “You’re only as old as you feel”, they never mention what it feels like to have high blood pressure, 3 inch hairs on your chin, arthritis, growths on your skin that are large enough to have birth certificates, artificial knees, a bra size that is now a 42 long, or that you spend fifty percent of your day looking for your glasses, car keys, or something you had in your hand just a second ago.
Maybe they just don’t know yet. So instead if my usual humorous rant about getting old, I've decided to share some wise “truths” for mature adults.
OVER THE YEARS, I'VE LEARNED THAT...
by Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney was a journalist and news announcer (60 Minutes) who mastered the art of being pithy. If you don’t remember him, read it anyway.
▼ Cartoon by Randy Bish*
● The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
● Just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
● Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
● Money doesn't buy class.
● Being kind is more important than being right
● It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
● To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
● When your newborn grandchild holds your little finger in his fist, you're hooked for life.
● Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
● When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
● Love, not time, heals all wounds.
● The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
● Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
● When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
● One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
● Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
● The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
● I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in any other way.
TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS IN THE 21ST CENTURY...
● If you die, your best friend’s job should be responsible for immediately clearing your computer history.
● There is great need for a sarcasm font.
● Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. Even at my age, I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
● You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
● Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
● I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of “Word” and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
● "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this … ever.
● I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Oh man!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
● I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
● The freezer deserves a light as well.
● Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
● I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
● How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
● There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
● Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
● Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my paycheck everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her “no”, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I feared the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. The moral of the story is "Watch out for what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say."
THE ULTIMATE INSULT...
By Alicea Smith
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago. Could he be the same guy I had a secret crush on, way back then?
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1962. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me, “What did you teach?"