Mother’s Day is May 10 and I intended to write a simple update of my blog from a few years back about this special day. As I’ve said before, nothing is simple.
Searching the internet for some new inspiration on the topic of Mother’s Day, I found heart-felt but gushy praises (see quotes above) and, to my surprise, a plethora of articles about why people hate their mothers. Oh, my!
MY CONFESSION
I confess I am guilty of writing of writing one of those gushy praises, to wit my blog from 2023:
“FIRST FRIEND, BEST FRIEND, FOREVER FRIEND
Mother’s Day is the special time of year set aside for celebrating a very special person: our best friend, our mentor, our personal advisor, the person who always has our backs. It is the time to remember that person and show our love to all the women our lives, be it mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend.”
While I now concede that “First Friend, Best Friend, Forever Friend” might be a tad unrealistic for many of us -- I loved my mother very much, but I can't say we were ever "best friends" -- I stick by my statement that all of us were born young and someone’s love guided us to become what we are today. Mother’s Day is a good opportunity to show our love to the women in our lives who have made a positive difference.
But I promised myself not to indulge in repeating all the gushy Happy Mother’s Day wishes.
WHY PEOPLE HATE THEIR MOTHERS
I always had a good relationship with my mother growing up and, as an adult, I don’t remember any of my teenage friends being particularly unhappy about their mothers, either. So it came as a surprise when I discovered how many people I knew claimed to hate their mothers and/or disliked being around them.
After sifting through the literature about the many reasons why people (primarily young people) hate, or at least think they hate, their mothers, it became apparent that most psychologists writing about the topic on the internet attribute the feeling to Betrayal Trauma.
According to www.verywellmind.com, “Your mother was once solely responsible for your vitality and responded to your every need. Therefore, we hold intense bonds with our mothers. That intensity often impedes our ability to view our mothers as humans, along with the flaws and damage that correspond with that. People usually harbor feelings of hatred towards their mothers when they believe they’ve been mistreated, neglected, or abused…Relationships with mothers are often complicated. Rarely are mothers ‘all-bad’ figures, and therein lies the problem.”
There are numerous reasons why someone might feel detached from their mother, even if there is no history of neglect, abuse, or toxicity in the relationship. However, the professional commentaries seem to boil down to the fact that, in most cases, the individual feels “betrayed” because the mother in question did not l live up to their expectations.
Searching the internet for some new inspiration on the topic of Mother’s Day, I found heart-felt but gushy praises (see quotes above) and, to my surprise, a plethora of articles about why people hate their mothers. Oh, my!
MY CONFESSION
I confess I am guilty of writing of writing one of those gushy praises, to wit my blog from 2023:
“FIRST FRIEND, BEST FRIEND, FOREVER FRIEND
Mother’s Day is the special time of year set aside for celebrating a very special person: our best friend, our mentor, our personal advisor, the person who always has our backs. It is the time to remember that person and show our love to all the women our lives, be it mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend.”
While I now concede that “First Friend, Best Friend, Forever Friend” might be a tad unrealistic for many of us -- I loved my mother very much, but I can't say we were ever "best friends" -- I stick by my statement that all of us were born young and someone’s love guided us to become what we are today. Mother’s Day is a good opportunity to show our love to the women in our lives who have made a positive difference.
But I promised myself not to indulge in repeating all the gushy Happy Mother’s Day wishes.
WHY PEOPLE HATE THEIR MOTHERS
I always had a good relationship with my mother growing up and, as an adult, I don’t remember any of my teenage friends being particularly unhappy about their mothers, either. So it came as a surprise when I discovered how many people I knew claimed to hate their mothers and/or disliked being around them.
After sifting through the literature about the many reasons why people (primarily young people) hate, or at least think they hate, their mothers, it became apparent that most psychologists writing about the topic on the internet attribute the feeling to Betrayal Trauma.
According to www.verywellmind.com, “Your mother was once solely responsible for your vitality and responded to your every need. Therefore, we hold intense bonds with our mothers. That intensity often impedes our ability to view our mothers as humans, along with the flaws and damage that correspond with that. People usually harbor feelings of hatred towards their mothers when they believe they’ve been mistreated, neglected, or abused…Relationships with mothers are often complicated. Rarely are mothers ‘all-bad’ figures, and therein lies the problem.”
There are numerous reasons why someone might feel detached from their mother, even if there is no history of neglect, abuse, or toxicity in the relationship. However, the professional commentaries seem to boil down to the fact that, in most cases, the individual feels “betrayed” because the mother in question did not l live up to their expectations.
MY INSPIRATION: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Being a mother is a tough and stressful job under the best of circumstances, and being a single mom is even more so.
◄ Image Source: www.animalia-life.club
Being a mother is a tough and stressful job under the best of circumstances, and being a single mom is even more so.
◄ Image Source: www.animalia-life.club
According www.msn.com, addressing unrealistic expectations placed on mothers, states that tradition and society, “still tend to increase the pressure on these mothers by promoting a vision of motherhood that is far from reality. Mothers are expected to be perfect, available, and fulfilled in all circumstances, both at work and at home. On top of that, we want them to smile all the time. However, these expectations are often unrealistic and guilt-inducing. In reality, no mother can tick all these boxes at once.”
Scientific studies are finding that social media content present idealized portrayals of motherhood, which may be putting increased pressure on mothers and negatively affecting their mental health. www.sciencedirect.com
A few of the unrealistic expectations identified include but are not limited to:
● Presenting a polished and always-in-control image. A mother must always be smiling, perfectly coiffed, and fulfilled.
● Shedding immediately weight gained during pregnancy. The media and certain celebrities perpetuate the illusion that a postpartum body can become "perfect" again in just a few weeks. Demanding that a woman quickly regain herre-pregnancy appearance is not only unrealistic, but also dangerous to her health.
● Always being available for your children. The idea of a mother who is entirely devoted to her children and available every second of the day is no longer possible for mothers who work, manage a household, juggle schedules, and juggle a multitude of responsibilities.
● Always being patient and caring.
Mothers can no longer express the frustrations of daily living and caring for a family without fear of being judged. Today, the myth of the constantly caring mother creates additional pressure and makes those who crack, raise their voices, or show their limits feel guilty.
● Continuing to perform well at work as if nothing had changed.
● Provide homemade, balanced meals.
● Keeping the house spotless at all times.
● Managing the mental load of the family alone.
● Succeeding without ever asking for help.
● Staying attractive and available for your partner. Women's magazines and popular culture still perpetuate the idea that a woman must remain attractive, available, and perfectly fulfilled, even after the arrival of a child.
● Prioritizing academic success of children with a strict and demanding parenting style. Striving for success in both her child’s and her own life, mother are often pursuing unattainable perfection.
● Presenting their idealized rather than their actual selves on social media and to others. Apparent roles such as the caring mother, the strong and wealthy husband, or the diligent student serve as idealized performance presentations sanctioned by society. This phenomenon not only facilitates self-presentation but also contributes to identity construction, fostering both a desire and, an expectation among observers to adopt similar roles
Because these values are projected in everything children see and hear, their expectations may naturally reflect these influences. Mothers are human and imperfect like everyone else. They have good and bad qualities, and experience human emotions. An individual’s experience with their mother reflects both the magnitude of their flaws and also on our ability and capacity to accept their mistakes and faults.
The pressure to conform to societal -- and their children’s -- expectations can have a significant impact on a mother’s feelings of guilt, anxiety, and inadequacy. Mothers commonly identify themselves as falling short of the expectations and experience stress which leads to burnout, depression, and a sense of lost identity.
therelatabletherapist.com/societal-expectations-for-motherhood
I HOPE YOUR MOTHER LEFT FOOTPRINTS IN YOUR HEART
Eleanor Roosevelt, the wife of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (32nd US President), is often referred to as an iconic first lady who changed the rules and is the gold standard for the first ladies who follow. She wrote a poem about friendship entitled “Footprints In Your Heart.”
Hopefully, your relationship with your mother was that kind of friendship, and you can say she left footprints in your heart.
Footprints In Your Heart
By Eleanor Roosevelt
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me.
You brought another friend,
And then there were three.
We started our group,
Our circle of friends,
And like that circle –
There is no beginning or end.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present.
TAKE AWAY
Cut your mother some slack. Don’t expect her to be perfect! After all, you aren’t perfect either. Go out of your way to appreciate her on Mother’s Day.
JUST SAYIN’
Sources:
https://www.ambersperling.ca/blog/expectationsinmotherhood
https://mariasnajder.medium.com/why-the-good-mother-ideal-is-failing-moms-around-the-world-88d1617d7da3
https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2024-64667-001.html
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563222002394
https://therelatabletherapist.com/busting-out-of-societal-expectations-for-motherhood/to play.
AI Summary Yahoo.search.com
https://jamiededes.com/2017/02/18/footprints-in-your-heart-a-poem-by-eleanor-roosevelt/
https://thriveworks.com/blog/i-hate-my-parents/
https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/comments/1729v9f/why_do_people_hate_mothers_so_much_why_are_they/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6230657/
Scientific studies are finding that social media content present idealized portrayals of motherhood, which may be putting increased pressure on mothers and negatively affecting their mental health. www.sciencedirect.com
A few of the unrealistic expectations identified include but are not limited to:
● Presenting a polished and always-in-control image. A mother must always be smiling, perfectly coiffed, and fulfilled.
● Shedding immediately weight gained during pregnancy. The media and certain celebrities perpetuate the illusion that a postpartum body can become "perfect" again in just a few weeks. Demanding that a woman quickly regain herre-pregnancy appearance is not only unrealistic, but also dangerous to her health.
● Always being available for your children. The idea of a mother who is entirely devoted to her children and available every second of the day is no longer possible for mothers who work, manage a household, juggle schedules, and juggle a multitude of responsibilities.
● Always being patient and caring.
Mothers can no longer express the frustrations of daily living and caring for a family without fear of being judged. Today, the myth of the constantly caring mother creates additional pressure and makes those who crack, raise their voices, or show their limits feel guilty.
● Continuing to perform well at work as if nothing had changed.
● Provide homemade, balanced meals.
● Keeping the house spotless at all times.
● Managing the mental load of the family alone.
● Succeeding without ever asking for help.
● Staying attractive and available for your partner. Women's magazines and popular culture still perpetuate the idea that a woman must remain attractive, available, and perfectly fulfilled, even after the arrival of a child.
● Prioritizing academic success of children with a strict and demanding parenting style. Striving for success in both her child’s and her own life, mother are often pursuing unattainable perfection.
● Presenting their idealized rather than their actual selves on social media and to others. Apparent roles such as the caring mother, the strong and wealthy husband, or the diligent student serve as idealized performance presentations sanctioned by society. This phenomenon not only facilitates self-presentation but also contributes to identity construction, fostering both a desire and, an expectation among observers to adopt similar roles
Because these values are projected in everything children see and hear, their expectations may naturally reflect these influences. Mothers are human and imperfect like everyone else. They have good and bad qualities, and experience human emotions. An individual’s experience with their mother reflects both the magnitude of their flaws and also on our ability and capacity to accept their mistakes and faults.
The pressure to conform to societal -- and their children’s -- expectations can have a significant impact on a mother’s feelings of guilt, anxiety, and inadequacy. Mothers commonly identify themselves as falling short of the expectations and experience stress which leads to burnout, depression, and a sense of lost identity.
therelatabletherapist.com/societal-expectations-for-motherhood
I HOPE YOUR MOTHER LEFT FOOTPRINTS IN YOUR HEART
Eleanor Roosevelt, the wife of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (32nd US President), is often referred to as an iconic first lady who changed the rules and is the gold standard for the first ladies who follow. She wrote a poem about friendship entitled “Footprints In Your Heart.”
Hopefully, your relationship with your mother was that kind of friendship, and you can say she left footprints in your heart.
Footprints In Your Heart
By Eleanor Roosevelt
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me.
You brought another friend,
And then there were three.
We started our group,
Our circle of friends,
And like that circle –
There is no beginning or end.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present.
TAKE AWAY
Cut your mother some slack. Don’t expect her to be perfect! After all, you aren’t perfect either. Go out of your way to appreciate her on Mother’s Day.
JUST SAYIN’
Sources:
https://www.ambersperling.ca/blog/expectationsinmotherhood
https://mariasnajder.medium.com/why-the-good-mother-ideal-is-failing-moms-around-the-world-88d1617d7da3
https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2024-64667-001.html
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563222002394
https://therelatabletherapist.com/busting-out-of-societal-expectations-for-motherhood/to play.
AI Summary Yahoo.search.com
https://jamiededes.com/2017/02/18/footprints-in-your-heart-a-poem-by-eleanor-roosevelt/
https://thriveworks.com/blog/i-hate-my-parents/
https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/comments/1729v9f/why_do_people_hate_mothers_so_much_why_are_they/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6230657/
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